You once told me, do everything you love, and stay around with the people you love. And if you once fell in love, don’t think twice. No matter what the future brings, no matter how hard it is, no matter how that person is different than you are. Stay around with anything or anyone that you love. And when the spark is gone, just leave. And when you leave, don’t do it in a lousy way. Be decent and be strong, and never look back. You told me that you couldn’t do that, and that you wish you could have done it when it was the time. Were you waiting for me to play it the right way?
Sorry dad, I couldn’t.
I know you are right, and please stop it. I can hear you making fun of me, I know your sarcasm, and I know you’re crying at the same time. But please stop it and listen to me.
How can I do what you told me to when I am you?
I am the manifestation of everything you once did, or thought, or experienced, or wished for, or tried to achieve.
I am your inner wishes, your mistakes, your unhappiness, your sarcasm, your wild dreams, your psychological fears and worries, your love to people, your ability to get what you want, your depression, your alienation, your loneliness, your wrong decisions, your frustration… I am everything you once were… except for one thing. I am the extreme other side of your nobility. I am monstrous while you exemplified nobility.
With all the frustrations you had in you, and which you successfully passed on to me, you were and still are the noblest human being I once met. Probably this is the only thing, which I didn’t get from you. I am sorry, I tried, but there were some problems.
First thing, since you left, I practiced a lot to get myself attached to anything. I unconsciously lost the ability to love. But don’t worry; I actually overcame this problem after only 4 years of your departure. After 4 years, I regained the ability to feel once more. To tell you the truth, I was really happy to discover that I could exercise this feeling again. The three or four things that I loved were as follow:
The first I ruined because I was unstable
The second I ruined because I was depressed
The third I ruined because I was insecure
And the fourth, actually I am still on my way to ruin because…
I don’t know, I will tell you when I ruin it completely, because right now I don’t know. Probably it will be for the above mentioned three reasons all together!
But I know it will be soon.
Enough with the sarcastic smile on your face. Dad, can I ask you for a favor? You know how much I love you. But actually I need to blame someone for all the above, and actually the whole world has been very selfish lately.
So with the love of the world, I blame you for everything. I blame you for bringing me to the world, I blame you for passing your chromosomes to me, I blame you for leaving, and I blame you for who I am.
Dad, I already told you that this morning, but in case you were not listening, if you are logging now to facebook, please read this note. I am sorry I can’t tag you, but I know you are online in a way. You are always updated old fellow.
By the way, if you were not listening this morning, and if you are not logging on to facebook, I will have to come and tell you that in the face. So don’t push me! Who am I fooling, you know and I know that I will be coming soon.
Two last words;
First, Thank you for taking all the blame bravely.
Second, unconditionally, I love you so much.
Written on on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 at 12:17am
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